We all have them. And when we wake up, we really don’t know whether it’s gonna be a good or bad day. Often we know we have difficult tasks or people before us and they may put us in a more likely position to have a good or bad day, but on the whole we just don’t know. I’ve had those days when the coffee spills all over the counter (three times in one morning is my max), and yet they turn out great because of the way we respond to situations, or God in his sovereignty just “works things out.” I’ve had other days when I woke up ready for the day and excited what was before me and by 9 or 10am, it’s as if the world is caving in. Many times it’s triggered circumstantially, but I’m realizing more often than not its because those up times are actually manias and I’m so terribly on edge I’m either bound to fall off or I’m bouncing off walls (usually verbally or with weird obsessions). Yesterday was such a day. The mania led to a major crash that led to a need for separation. Within a few hours I was a little more level but on the low side of the spectrum only to return to a mania that is continuing somewhat right now.
I so wish I could live Habakkuk 3:17-19, a passage John Newton said he couldn’t tell whether he truly meant it until his wife died.
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign LORD is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
(Habakkuk 3:17-19 ESV)
I know this is true that God makes our feet like deer, and, in fact, is my strength whether I choose to recognize it or not, but my mind, heart, soul and strength don’t necessarily mirror it. How I long for them to, to have the Spirit so present in me as CS Lewis said in Miracles,
A subjective God of beauty, truth and goodness, inside our own heads.
. Is it that I’m not really giving him control, that my faith is like shifting sand that’s swayed by the most gentle of breezes? Is it that I’m not mature enough? Is it this disease that grips me and throws me around in loops? Is it simply my choice between following flesh and spirit? Is it the Enemy who masks as the light? Is it all just psychosomaticism that plays with my heAd whether I allow it or not? Is it a combination of all these factors? Is it none of them?
My head is spinning. And when it does I can’t honestly tell whether it’s good or bad. More recently I’ve feared being on because it means I’m manic and I’m gonna crash. This, in turn, gets me depressed and my mania turns to mental put downs in attempts to remain humble only to exponentiate as soon as a trigger fires at manic me. Physiologically in these moments like now, I actually feel like my brain is pushing on my skull outwardly and my head is going to pop. I can honestly say I understand why folks use drugs or alcohol to calm themselves down in times like this. It’s as if I can’t handle myself. I know some think I just need to meditate or pray. I agree, but the challenge in praying during these mental gravitron moments is almost more torturesome. I read thirty chapters in Genesis today and so that was great. I saw some amazing connections with Judah sleeping with his daughter-in-law only to have twins with her that would eventually be in the line of Jesus our Lord! Crazy stuff. Kinda makes me feel good that our God uses crazy things, people, events and minds!
I feel that I could keep on writing all day in this entry, but a.) I’m tired of writing on this phone keyboard, b.) my head feels like it’s gonna pop, c.) I need to find a job, d.) I need more coffee (decaf), and e.) the dog wants to go out.
Sometimes manias are fun and entertaining. I hope you have a good day.