So I began blogging in 2008. Maybe it was because it was cool at the time. But I have to say that writing has become more and more “my thing.” Being a somewhat obsessive person, I’ve even carried it as this big burden at times. For example, I have a journal entry every day from 7th grade until I was almost 18. And then again late in college. There were nights I didn’t want to write but I was obsessed with not missing a night so I forced myself to. In fact, there’s still a tug at me that feels like I need to blog on here every day or write something privately. The obsession is true and a separate issue, altogether but the writing is an urge, a passion, a tug and in some ways an obedience issue for me. I need to write. Both for my health, but also for offering something to this world.
At times I’m said to write “stream of consciousness,” at others very (self-) critical, and at other times brilliant (ok, those are just manic moments). I am a pastor. A leader. (A writer). A child of the mighty God and follower of Jesus the Christ. My thorn is a mental issue with a mood disorder, anxiety, depression & who knows what else. I’ve been diagnosed each of the previous but keep working at the sanctification process (becoming more like Jesus). Some days it’s a delight and I’m on cloud 9,000, other days I just don’t know if I’m going to make it to the end of the day. And I mean that literally. I don’t know if I can make it. Depression is awful. It is a disease and one that almost “hits” like when your blood sugar can drop quickly or flu comes on you quickly. Horrific would be an understatement. I know some know what I mean, but I feel I’ve learned in 2011-12 that my condition is clearly unique.
So with that background in writing, it’s my desire to look at life, theology (thinking about God) and ministry (working/serving for God). I believe our worship is our fun, our thoughts, our works, our obedience, our submission and our whole lives (Rom. 12:1-2)! But I also recognize that in my depraved state I get in the way of what God wants to do often enough. But I think that’s a good thing at times. I’ve blogged and been tempted to delete the entry months later, but know that my thinking will often change over time and it’s good to look at how it grows.
I write for myself. I write for other people. I write for God. It’s my hope that I can do that in the reverse order more often than not. But I write as one who struggles with the aforementioned mental challenges and sicknesses. Honestly, I’ve avoided victimizing and didn’t want to even think of my struggles as issues, but I’m learning I need to just embrace them so that I can both tackle them more head on and help others who struggle with similar issues (or know those who do). I don’t know how to do that fully. But this is my beginning attempt. May it be used for God’s glory and your benefit.